I don't really know where to start today. I am currently dealing with some of the worst pain I have ever encountered in my entire life. Pain that takes away my appetite. Pain that is with me from the second I wake up until the second I finally escape into sleep. Pain that will bring on tears at the drop of the hat and it is totally out of my control. Pain due to a broken heart.

Most anyone who reads this knows the story. Or at least enough of it to know where I am coming from. So, I don't find it necessary to write about the details here. Furthermore, it would be disrespectful and everything is still so fresh that I prefer not to even begin. What I know I can and should share is how I feel inside. It's something I have never been good at, but I better get darn good practice at it in the upcoming months.

The biggest part of me is still in shock. I literally can sit in a daze for who knows how long just telling myself 'This is over. We are not together any more.' So far my mind has had a rough go of things convincing my heart of these things. Maybe because the majority of my heart still belongs to someone else. This was not an expected decision I would have to make and it was over so fast. No easing into things, no sinking in. Just in my face, instantaneous and downright savage in nature.

To make things more painful, I had my trust betrayed by someone who was exceptionally close to me. Someone who I share an endless amount of memories with (which is all the more apparent since this all happened). Someone who I gave my loyalty, respect, and care to as only Becca Parsons does. I suppose that although my love for him is the very thing that makes this so difficult, it has been an extremely redeeming factor in the whole process. I do not feel anger. I do not feel pride or vengeance. I feel love and compassion for someone who has wronged me. I am also currently learning that I need to better love myself and that has been a big part of my reasoning behind this split. Sure, I could ease the current turmoil and pain I feel by going back to the way things were. I could continue to be treated unfairly but get rid of this hurt. Instead, I made a choice to protect my heart. That decision just so happened to require ripping it open.

I must keep a perspective regarding the situation that acknowledges the big picture. I have no idea what the future holds, or what God's sovereign plan is for my life. But I know He is here, and I know He is not going to leave me hanging. He is also going to take care of the one I love. My faith is most definitely being put to the ultimate test. A humanly, sinful part of me dares to tell God that I think I can do a better job of looking after him. That somehow I can heal him or change his mind. I know I am mistaken, and even as I read back on these sentences I can see how foolish that train of thought is. It certainly is difficult to keep that in my mind and heart though, and it is endlessly frustrating to be battling the lies that bombard me from every angle.

This situation would be immensely more horrific if I did not have 1. faith in Christ and 2. the support of the most wonderful, caring people in the world. My Mom to hold me on the couch as I sob. My three sisters who call me just to check in, bring me a soy latte, or offer a listening ear. My Dad who would make a detour on his 14 hour drive just to give me a hug and give me some sound advice. My brother who would provide sincere sympathy and kind words. A best friend who shared in my tears, made sure I did not skip every meal, hugged me over and over, listened for hours and sat at an ice cream shop with me to draw dogs like old times. A college friend who did not hesitate to pay for my pita. Former roommates who play with my hair, share their bed with me, and beg me to move back in with them. Even friends across the country who have taken time from their hectic schedules to have an hour long conversation with me or send me text messages to let me know they are simply thinking of me. I am beyond blessed to have every one of them in my life. I can't even begin to imagine where I would be right now without every kind word, gesture, and prayer they have offered up for me.

As I move towards school, something I have anticipated for so long, a sense of fear and anxiety has now begun to set in. Leaving familiarity is the last thing I want to do right now. I long for what I had just days ago. And yet I know that God will do so much with a new slate in my life. I absolutely hate how much sadness is inside of me right now but it causes me to be vulnerable and fragile, and all walls are down. This allows Him to move me in ways I never would otherwise.

I cannot sugar coat this. There is a dull ache inside of me that does not let off. Just when I think I may have things under control or I feel more composed, I choke again. This will probably be the case for a long time. Time that drags on. But I do believe that God is close to the broken hearted, and I am experiencing that first hand.