This is so Disturbing

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...but I just about died watching it. And now I'll probably die of embarassment that you are watching it.

Hairy Christmas

It took me eight months to get a haircut. That is most certainly an outright violation of the laws of any salon or hair stylist. But I am proud that I waited that long. Because I saved money. And gained some length on my strands.

Some people have asked me how I pulled that off without my hair being completely ruined. Simple: wear it in a french braid ALMOST every day. I know what you might be thinking - a french braid is often a favorite of 4-Her's and homeschoolers. Well, let's just say that I may have been both of those things back in the day. But aside from that, it has been a lifesaver lately! A french braid has been the hairstyle that enables me to shower at night, sleep on it, and get up between 4 and 6 am for work without having to style it again. Another plus? The day after that, you can take the braid out and then wear it wavy. Thus saving on shampoo use as well as doing damaging styling to your hair.

I think my new haircut is a good one finally! The reasons that I like this haircut are: 1. she didn't take off all that much length 2. I can wear it down if I choose to 3. it has lots of new layers. And now I am thinking about dying it for the first time in my life...

I would like to take a moment just to mention that I feel a little bit trivial talking about hair so much. But while I am on the topic, I bought a Furminator for Mr. Gabe and The Others too. For as much as those things cost, it had better work well! And it seems to. My biggest complaint is that you have to stop and pull the hair off after about two strokes of the coat. Oh, and Gabe REALLY wants to eat both the hair and the brush. Every time.

Lastly. A lot of you have probably seen this. I want to know your thoughts on it though. And what would the best response to it as Christmas approaches.

Kindred soul cracked spirit

Her: When you're calling out drinks, try to put a little more pizazz into it.
Me: Ok.

What she was thinking: The District Manager is here and I am going to do whatever it takes to really wow her.
What I was thinking: You have no idea what's going on with me. I suppose that's my problem because I haven't told you. But I don't plan on telling you. And I know that I am not exactly a Disney Princess when I call out drink orders, but maybe I don't have to be when the customer is standing inches away from the spot they pick their drink up at. I'm still nice to them. I make eye contact and smile and thank them. And I don't really care to kiss up to her because she clearly already has her favorites. I'm not a competitor for her attention.


It wasn't a bad shift. It was actually decent. But I'll still be glad for the day when I can leave that nonsense behind. And maybe I am totally flawed in my way of thinking about work. But there is something really frustrating about being asked to act fake towards others. If I was standing on the other side of the counter, I'm pretty sure I would prefer to be interacted with on a person-to-person level, not an exhibition-to-person level.

It makes sense that sometimes we have to power through the day and put on a little bit of a face when we are in public while there is a lot more going on beneath the surface. But I guess even on the best of days, I am still not a fan of cheesy fakeness.

Tory asked me this morning, 'Why are dogs so amazing?' I didn't know how to answer exactly. It's hard to summarize exactly why they mean so much to some of us. But maybe one reason I love dogs so much is because I can be myself around them always. And, ironically, I don't have to be told to be animated with them - it comes naturally because of how wonderful they are :)

A dog can express more with his tail in seconds than his owner can express with his tongue in hours. ~Author Unknown

I guess that means Gabe should be the barista, not me.

This Day's a Spinning Circus on a Wheel

So...I'm back in Kansas now.

It was a blur of a week gone; certainly had its ups and downs - but God really took care of me out there. Took care of me personally and also through other people. And even though I left with an empty spot inside of me accompanied by a dull ache of sorts, He has taken much of the razor sharp edge off of the pain. For that, I am truly thankful. He is faithful. And He blessed me with fun times with friends. Just look.


























Props to Misses Tory and Shefali and their uncanny ability to take good pictures. There were too many fun ones to use less than this many. Oh, and it's unanimous - Tory and Shefali are BEAUTIFUL.

So now it's back to the norm. I was welcomed back to reality with a nice 4 AM awakening to open at Starbucks. I'm not 100% sure what will happen with the job I interviewed for - but mornings like this one certainly give me ample motivation to do something to change my job.

Don't get me wrong - there were many perks to arriving back here. Not the least of which would be sweet Gabe and the hyperactive wiggle fest he bestowed me with upon seeing me through the car window. Parents waiting to welcome me back. Numerous friends' phone calls, text messages, and emails. I don't know what I am doing or where I am going or how I should be feeling. But maybe for today it's ok to just be. And enjoy today's blessings.

If you live near me, let's hang out.

Glass

'There are a lot of different ways to cry. There's the "somebody close to you is dying" cry, the "confessing dark secrets" cry, the "I'm angry and want to kill or at least significantly maim someone" cry, the groom's "my bride is coming down the aisle" cry, the "kid whose feelings have been hurt" cry. There's the "car accident I could have died in but didn't" cry. There's even the "I just hit my thumb with the hammer and it hurts so much but I'm not going to cry, so little tears are forming in the corners of my eyes" cry. But her cry on that day was a kind of crying I have seen many times. It's the cry of someone who has had their heart broken by a lover.

It comes from someplace else.

Someplace far inside a person, deep in the soul. It's a cry with a certain ache. It's the ache of a broken heart.'

-Rob Bell, 'Sex God'.

I don't like casually writing my feelings on this blog so that people simply can have a look inside my life. I don't like the impersonal approach of simply blabbering out my thoughts so that you know what's going on with me. And yet I feel as though it's very hard to talk about my situation as well. To live and re-live events that have taken place this week and in months past most assuredly means tears will form, tears will fall, and tears will keep coming. Tears like the ones Bell speaks of.

It's difficult to know where to begin. I feel foolish. I feel naive. I feel upset with myself for so stubbornly trying to hang on to my past. And simultaneously, I am concerned for him. My heart is breaking for him. I am devastated by what sin does to people and what it can cost them. I so desperately desire for him to experience freedom and to make decisions that will help him prosper, not stumble.

And I'm not even sure why or how I can feel those things for him. How after all I have been put through I can still pick myself up off of the floor just to experience disappointment again. Time and time again I have found myself thinking 'If only I could hate him...' What a flawed way of thinking on my part. I am so blatantly reminded of how human I am. And of my own sin. I should never wish to have a hardened heart. To turn my back on the ones closest to me because that's the easier thing to do. I guess that is precisely why I do not understand the why's or the how's of my heart. Because I should not/cannot take a bit of credit for any good thing that my heart may be experiencing; the Lord is the only One giving me a shred of grace throughout this time.

I have been humbled to learn and re-learn and then re-learn AGAIN that I am not key to his salvation. To anyone's salvation. Any control I had at any point in time was merely perceived control. This is God's battle now. Actually, it always was and has been and will be. And while I am really trying to rest in that and trust Him with the road that lies ahead, it is so easy to feel discouraged. To wonder if all of my love has been in vain. To be slapped in the face with the possibility that I may never speak to or see one of my best friends again. It feels almost impossible to know how to put the pieces back together. Which one to start with? And how?

I pray that I did not speak out of turn yesterday. That I have not somehow made a bad situation worse. I was too upset at the time to really convey all of my feelings. And typing about it now feels all too risky, but on those occasions where I come to the end of myself, somehow the opinions of others just don't hold the same significance that they might on any other day.

There is a good chance the one I speak of will read this. And if/when he does, I hope he at least knows that I care about him. I'm worried about him and it is so endlessly difficult to feel like I cannot help him. And that my heart is broken all over again, but that I plead with the Father to direct his steps and to give him a discerning heart. That even if I have no significance to him or a role in his life, I am truly desperate for him to experience what freedom is. Because life is too short to live ensnared in something horrible. And that I never, ever want him to give up. That there is help available to him out there, and I hope he will take it. And that when I gave him a hug, I meant it.


As for myself, I have some very tough weeks and months ahead of me. I have already gone to a job interview with swollen eyes and a deflated self-worth. He is just a few miles away from me and there are reminders of him everywhere I turn. The mere thought of continuing to experience the kind of pain I have dealt with for months is scary and over-whelming and devastating. I covet the prayers of those who read this.

23

Well guys, I am another year older. Have I aged?