I had such a good time in Colorado that I ended up taking a blog sabbatical. That probably does not make you upset, but if it does, I apologize.
I met new friends, visited with old ones, and really had more life restored to me in the time there than I have felt in a long time. It makes me homesick for that state and the precious relationships I have there. And of course the weather was glorious too. Growing up there caused me to totally take it for granted. I always liked it, but I never was amazed by it. I definitely am amazed by it now. Nowhere comes close to Colorado in my life, no matter how hard I try to tell myself otherwise.
There is such a contrast between being on vacation and going back to normal life. While I was away, I played. All day long. Ate good food. Laughed. Danced for hours at a wedding. (with Chelsea Clinton, by the way). Blasted music while in transit between destinations. Stayed up late and woke up not late enough. Stretched every day to fit in as much as I could. Spent time outside. Caught up with people I hadn't seen in months or even years. Made new memories and inside jokes.
Unfortunately, this morning that all came to an end. I went to sleep at 12:30, woke up at 4, and was at work by 5. Work wasn't all that bad, but I would definitely prefer not to be required there. The free lattes are even losing their ability to entice me. Furthermore, it's frustrating to me to feel like I fit and 'belong' in one place, but wonder if I will ever feel at home in another. After a year of wonderment and wandering, it's starting to be difficult to hold out hope for some aspects of my life.
I don't want to live this way forever. Merely tolerating each day and feeling so shut down on the inside. There is an intersection I have been approaching for a while, but I'm not sure which turn I will be making yet, or if I will make one at all. It's become apparent, however, that I am not as healthy as I could/should be, and I probably need to do something about that sooner than later.
It seems like nothing I am typing really makes sense, but that is where I am at right now. Nothing makes sense. And I sort of hate writing about it here. But feel compelled to anyway. Maybe someday I'll be able to read back on it and realize how silly I was to feel so lost.
14 comments:
"Maybe someday I'll be able to read back on it and realize how silly I was to feel so lost."
I don't think that you should ever feel silly for feeling this way right now. We all want to have it "more together" than we do, and we all want to have it figured out. But... I don't think we ever figure it out. We all just keep going, and keep moving, and keep growing and changing and learning and trusting. And that's what you're doing right now - it's just in a more unpleasant context than it could be.
Maybe you're right, and some changes need to happen in your life. But take it from me: big changes - of scenery, vocation, friendships, location, whatever - do not remedy the deeper issue. Whatever the deeper issue is (I still don't know). All I know is that wherever I go and whatever I do and whoever I'm with, I deal with the same junk, the same feelings, the same restlessness, the same discontent.
So I'm learning to trust that I really can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me, and when I am giving myself over to his care, I'm able to let go of a lot of the junk. Even though it doesn't look or feel the way that I thought it would.
Not that you need to hear any of this from me. I'm preaching to the choir. And this is officially the longest comment I have ever left anyone.
All I'm saying is that I love you, and you're doing a good job, and keep going, and I know that things will feel different someday. Hopefully soon.
Ditto to everything Annie said. I think perhaps the struggle with in us is in large part due to the longing for the eternity for which we were created. And so we go about our lives here (which are more challenging and difficult at some times than others) with our souls groaning for something better. I dunno...just something I've been contemplating regarding my own state and feelings that are so similar to your own!
OK Becca we feel the same way many miles away. I feel like you were typing for both of us. The feeling lost part is so true right now for me. I feel lost in Arizona, not sure what to do how to spend my time where to be located at. I don't know I say "Well said my friend" for both of us
Clinton? Yikes.
I really like what Annie has to say...
And I love CO too. Not as much as you do though- I don't think. I am coming to visit your state the second weekend in August, then spending part of the week in Arkansas, then coming back up through KC to drive back to CO. One of those nights my friend has a wedding and I'd rather see you... I'll figure out when. :O)
ha you know my thoughts about all of it. but i do agree with annie. and the funny thing is that i (like annie) can say that changes of people and location don't make things better, but it's obvious that i've been trying that anyway, just so that i can have something changing. something different.
lame. it's all lame. i hate it that so many of my friends feel this way, but we're all in different places and we all just can't be instantly happy.
let's just hold onto our dream of living in fort collins and working a dog kennel. sounds good enough for me.
Oh Becca, we've all been where you are at one time or another. Hang in there:)
you'll never look back and realize that you were silly to feel so lost. most likely one day you'll look back and feel deep empathy and grief for the person who was forging ahead through so many changes, and you will want to go back and give her a hug and tell her that everything works out okay, because it probably does.
i mean, i know we've talked a lot about this, but i completely relate to all of the things you're feeling. the part that is the hardest to accept is the fact that i'm a different person than the one i was in ohio or chicago. what if i liked those other Shannas better than the one i am now? what if on many levels her life was more enjoyable, fun, exciting, etc., than it is now? is that a good enough reason for moving back or moving somewhere else? and is that the answer or is this something that i have to just deal with in kansas city, or i'd have to deal with anywhere i went, and those other Shannas are no longer accessible to me?
i guess what i'm trying to say is it never gets better in the sense that you'll finally feel all of the same things and ways that you used to feel when you were Becca in colorado or at school or in texas or anywhere, but it does get easier to accept the person you are in kansas city, and eventually you get through the disorientation stage and you're able to start locating yourself, as the person you are now. and i think that's when you're able to more accurately asses the situation and make decisions objectively rather than just out of emotion/ sadness. does that make sense?
tim keel did an amazing sermon about being lost/ disorientation last sunday at Jacob's Well, if you have 30 minutes go to the website and listen to it. it really related to this issue and helped me understand some of the feelings i have.
also, one day i was crying to my mom on the phone about how i don't feel like i'm home when i'm here, but i also don't really feel like i'm at home in my parents house or when i go back to chicago, and she said that's because this world is not our home and most likely that feeling will continue to nag at me for the rest of my life until i get to heaven. and it wasn't really that comforting if you think about it, but it somehow worked to calm me down.
the sermon audio is here: http://jacobswell-mp3s.s3.amazonaws.com/20080706%20-%20TK%20-%2011AM.mp3
so i'm thinking i should write vulnerable posts more often...because all of you have been so encouraging to me.
i'm thinking we all love you and you should know that all the time, every day.
and you WILL get to know what it is i MIGHT buy, because i fixed the link.
i wish you were going to seattle with me.
oh becca. i just don't understand why we don't hang out! i really think we should do that. are you busy tomorrow? we should get together. for real for true. call me or i'll call you.
ah! i most definitely did not delete your comment!
i wonder what happened to it?
but thanks for re-commenting.
you're great. and im glad you liked my story.
ps - fish are crazy.
i love everything annie had to say. perfect.
Yeah girl! I'm glad you aren't totally creeped out by my stalking. haha.
p.s. I'm not from KC either and I totally hear ya on struggling to find a sense of belonging.
p.s.s. We should hang out again soon. Or I'll have to "accidentally" bump into you at Quiznos or something...
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